The Shape of The Beloved
I write to you in a moment
of naked atonement (at-one-ment)... a moment of
forgiving myself for the feelings of jealousy and
insecurity that seduced a a suddenly barren heart into
delusion.
In his book, Intimate Communion, David Deida calls
it The Him-Shaped
Void. It is the imprint left in
the heart of a woman, reflecting the shape of the last
one with whom she shared the union of her open heart
and body.
It explains so much. It explains why, even when we know
that the choice to separate from a relationship is the
best thing for us, a part of us still hangs on
defiantly. The heart cries, out... "give me the
him-ness" to fill that space inside that yearns to be
full again.
It took me years of defiance to realize that to love
another with an open heart is not weakness at all. It
is simply the heart of me seeking to partner in its
strength and brilliance... and nature's way of making
sure that I have intimacy in my life. And intimacy
(in-to-me-see) is the mirror of truth; that is if we
choose to look ourselves square in the face.
As life shifts, and the Him-Shape
Void becomes apparent, we are
vulnerable in the best possible way. There is a door
open to another energy that can engulf us in a way that
an imprint cannot match... the energy of The Beloved.
Who is the beloved? Is it that perfect lover whom will
ignite us to the core? Some might say yes. Although, I
prefer to believe that our lover is a carefully-chosen
companion in a unified mission... reaching out to
reveal The Beloved as it can be experienced in the
flesh.
I speak of The Beloved as it is viewed in Sufism - the
Ultimate Beloved. It is when we approach union on a
grander scale. We seek not to fall in
love (and be filled with love)
but to fall in love with
Love as that space in which we
are the filler. It envelopes us, and we spend our lives
(in and out of relationships) learning how to let Love
move in, as, and through us.
"The Beloved is
all, the lover just a veil.
The Beloved is living, the lover a dead thing.
If Love witholds its strengthening care,
The lover is left like a bird without wings.
How will I be awake and aware
If the light of the Beloved is absent?
Love wills that this Word be brought forth.
If you find the mirror of the heart dull,
The rust has not been cleared from its face."
.........Rumi
(Mathnawi Book 1, 34)
In my recent experience, The Him-Shape Void adapts upon
becoming vacated. The lover is given the blessed gift
of being left alone to create a miracle within her own
heart. She uses emptiness as a welcome contrast to
connect to an abyss-like rapture always available to
her. She is penetrated by a force that exceeds the
potentials of the flesh. She is occupied by The Beloved
- by Love Itself.
From here, yes... this is the place from which I want
to love. I hereby profess my love for The Beloved and
immerse my heart in its spaciousness. I am swallowed
whole by Love, and revealed completely vulnerable. I am
not vulnerable to the actions and choices of others
(which I cannot control). I am instead vulnerable in my
total surrender to The Beloved's sacred commitment to
me... When your heart growls
with hunger, it is then that I am there. Find me by
sending Love forth, pushing It through the resistance
to unleash My Presence unto
you.
Does this mean that I am to be without lovers in the
flesh? Oh, certainly it does not. It means that I do my
best to create an atmosphere in and around my heart
that seeks not the fullness of another... but one that
reflects the bounty of us both. I become a mirror of
the most-infinite and most-pure depths by entering the
covenant of The Beloved. I then offer that bounty to
the lover of my choice.
I want to participate in the Highest Love. My horoscope
this week reads: "Always focus more intensely on the
pleasure of giving the beautiful love you have to offer
than on your hunger for the love you have always wanted
to get."
The Beloved impregnates my heart so that I am no longer
hungry. My feast is found within.