The One: Needing vs. Loving (part 2)
Needing The One
My Love and I came together in a hungriness. We spent
one fateful day together intoxicated by the idea of one
another. As soon as our eyes locked we were staring at
a vision of a life together. Only a day later, words of
promise were implied in bold statements: "finally I
found you"... "you are The One
that I have
been waiting for". The sudden buzz of such encounters
left us both smitten and certain that we were the
luckiest two people on the planet. In short, we were
immediately convinced that the sensation of our own
divinity (our SHiNE) simply had
to be invested
in one another... for that was what finding The
One meant, right?
Now I am not one to entertain such musings lightly. I
caution my clients to take care not to confuse the true
Source of illumination with the vehicle through which
it presents itself. Yet, I was a romatically-inclined
woman hungry for connection. It had been three years
since my last relationship. I knew in my heart that I
wanted (and could have) a love of such depth and
intensity as to spend a life together; nevertheless, I
had no idea what that might look like in its healthiest
form. My time spent in solitude was a preparation of
sorts - undoing old ways of being with the
determination to do
relationship
differently next time. I had even created a vision (on
paper) of who I thought this man whom I would devote my
heart to might be like. When he showed up, I was
immediately sold by an energetic resume that aligned
with my idea of the him-ness that would best suit me.
Not to mention, his words were
intoxicating. I
was his destiny! I was enamored by the idea that
someone could feel such things about me. In my
expressions of fear (that I wasn't sure I could say the
same of him yet), he became ever-more confident in our
union. He would meet my fears with the light touch of
his conviction... and I would become immediately his
again. As Deida put it so eloquently (see
Part
1): "[his]
adoration and neediness assuaged my fear and buoyed my
self-sense." And, in turn,
"my
insecurity
and neediness made [him] feel more secure in [his]
ownership of [me]." At times, I was acutely
aware of this dynamic. Yet even when I felt concern
that our destined union was slightly laced with
co-dependent landmines, I pushed it aside as fear of
commitment. I was needed... and so I gave more of
myself to us.
In
essence, I see I was inadvertently attempting to
realize my self-worth through another.
No Longer Needing The One
So I entered whole-heartedly... or so I thought. In
truth, I was in a state of hopeful cynicism at best. I
always felt there was a suspicious energy continually
lurking in the shadows. As if somehow we were setting
ourselves up for its unexpected emergence.
That inevitable revelation came in a painful
realization...
We
were not an
energy invincible.
We shared more and more of our lives with one another,
and eventually fell into a mundane existence where the
intoxication that once unified us gave way to sobriety.
And in the most unexpected turn of events, I suddenly
discovered that my Love had drifted away from me
towards the intoxicating Love of another. And, due to
the impossible expectations that we had placed upon one
other, we were unable to survive. For to believe that
someone is The One for whom your love is destined is to
believe that it could not possibly have cause to
venture elsewhere. And so when that love leaks out -
and there is a new source of fixation - inevitable
confusion arises for all parties involved. The lovers
are left wondering, "Could I be mistaken that
he/she/the other is The One?"
I suppose it all depends on how we define The One. When
we no longer feel the urgent and intoxicating NEED for
someone... could they still be The One to whom our
heart is called? When the hunger is no longer what is
urging our heart towards communion, what else are we
left with?
Love.
Love ultimately reveals The One to us. When all that I
need from
you dissolves
into all that I have to offer in love
with
you... ultimate
expression of Oneness is
found. For it may in fact be
that
needing someone is just the opposite of loving
them.
Loving
The One
For me, I have determined that The One is a choice - a
set of actions that say... now that I no longer
need you, I choose to love you.
And Love of The
One says, I will love you even in
this.
I have discovered - as this relationship is ending -
that even in the face of a future that looks nothing
like ever-after, I can only know The One in the moment.
And so, he is
The One. He is
The One who will prepare my heart in redefining
One-ness forever.
Thus...
The One is He whom my heart is open to without need to
be filled...
And The One whom I love even when he no longer needs me
to.
I am committed to treating this relationship with a new
reverence. We once worshipped one another as The One
(for the sense of promise we offered). Now, even in our
pending separation, I still choose to worship my lover
as The One... until death do us part.
The One whom my heart is devoted to in loving... no
longer in needing. And in surrendering my
need, I can witness our death (be it on the horizon)
without the hunger to salvage what I cannot in good
faith make right on my own.
I don't need to. For The One happens through me... and
another one will reveal himself to me. And I will say
with confidence and conviction, "You are The One - for
at the moment that needing dissolves into loving, true
Oneness is found."